Choose Life

One of my favorite songs on the radio today is God Only Knows by For King and Country.

God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it's killing you
But there's a kind of love that God only knows
God only knows what you've been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There's a kind of love that God only knows

They have a way of writing that just speaks straight to my soul. Their word choice could not more accurately represent those feelings I can't quite put into words if they had interviewed me, personally, before sitting down to compose.

Now that the cat's out of the bag, I can be a little more authentic about my experience these past 12 weeks. First, a little background on Michael and I: we're both recovering people pleasers. We're both pretty laid back and don't like to let things bother us. We don't like to confront others, we don't like to ask for help, we don't like to share our burdens. We tend to think we're handling it all pretty well and no one around us is affected if we're overwhelmed. This. could. not. be. more. FALSE. Did you get that? The burdens you try to carry alone are TOO HEAVY. God gave us community in friends and family to help carry the burdens. Your daily responsibilities are yours alone to carry, but a burden is very different. It is a load too crushing to bear on your own. DO. NOT. ATTEMPT. TO. DO. SO.

We have (not quite) learned this lesson the hard way. Multiple times. This first trimester was yet another opportunity to learn this lesson. I did not want to be a complaining, miserable pregnant wife and Michael did not want me to have to think about anything other than taking care of myself. Sounds sweet, right? No. It's not sweet. It's dangerous. While there were plenty of days we both appeared to be juggling everything satisfactorily, all it takes is one weak moment (and as humans our lives are pretty much made up of weak moments) or one bad day (and they happen). This weekend we both hit empty. I was just tired of feeling sick, I hadn't slept through the night in days. Michael had been holding on to a lot of work stress and just hadn't taken time to decompress. We weren't communicating and we were bone dry wells with nothing to pour out for each other. Typically in a relationship you get to take turns breaking down and taking a breather. But Saturday we decided neither one could handle any more. 

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So. After a long chat, covering weeks of burden-carrying we'd been hiding from the other, we threw the pup and a picnic lunch in the car and headed to the closest, free state park to get away and breathe, together. Man, was it necessary. And I'm so glad the tears were shed and I got to complain a little and Michael got to "burden" me with his concerns. It was such a relief.

If you are in the midst of a battle (as most of us so often are), no matter how small you think it is. Tell someone. The numbers for anxiety, depression, and stress have increased exponentially in our culture in recent years. Do NOT attempt to bear your burdens alone. I'm mostly speaking to the introverts here, because I am one, but also because I know I've been happy to listen to my extroverted friends do their out loud thinking process for years but it's not natural for me to speak up myself. If you are an introvert, I know you're doing all the processing internally and it can seem all too overwhelming to consider allowing someone else in on it. Especially because they will have questions. As an INFJ, I don't explain myself well. I'm a feeler. I run on intuition. I don't do pros and cons, facts and figures. It feels right or it feels wrong. I just know. But tell someone anyway. Preface your sharing session with "I just need someone to listen." Being very clear with needs and expectations is always crucial in any relationship. Michael's a fixer, and that's one reason that might keep me from sharing. I don't want to add to his to do list. But I really should just say "this isn't for you to fix, I just need to talk it out." Satan can only gain as much ground as you give him. 

Don't believe the lie that you have to have it together. Don't believe the lie that everyone else does have it together. I can't tell you how many parents have shared with me these past weeks how scared they were, or how overwhelmed they felt by what seems so insignificant in hindsight. Do not compare your pain or hardship with others' stories. There are not clear categories for these experiences. I may not be physically ill, but inside my anxiety is trying to keep me isolated and alone, trying to slowly break me down and threaten my health and relationships. I might rather throw up. Pain is pain and hardship is hardship. If left untreated or unacknowledged, they fester and grow. They can eclipse the light and pretty soon you're sitting alone in darkness. Don't let that happen. Choose to go forward in faith, cast out the fear. 

Deuteronomy 30:19 - "Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!"

Does anyone remember those Wham! tees George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley wore that had "CHOOSE LIFE" printed on the front and back? Tell me I'm not the only one. We should bring those back. What a great message. Different context, but same great message. Choose life.

Best,

Emily

(P.S. As a soft and subtle introvert, I feel the need to apologize for what may have been a liberal use of capitalization in this post. I just felt like it was important. But I'm not yelling at you. Please don't feel yelled at.)