The Art of Conflict - Reposted from emilyposting.blogspot.com

Some of you may know that back in the day I had a blog called Emily Posting. It's still there, you can still peruse it, if you dare. I thought I might share some of those early musings here, in case there is any tidbit worth revisiting. Turns out, there might be just a few. This post was originally published March 20, 2013:

I would argue that the best tip Michael and I got to start our marriage off on the right track (besides reading tons of Dave Ramsey's work and chatting about our future goals) was to listen to Senior Pastor Tommy Nelson of Denton Bible Church in Texas speak on Song of Solomon.  Michael and I downloaded and listened to the series on our honeymoon, actually, and I can say with all confidence that it made our honeymoon a success.  Anyone looking to get married, already married, or who happens to know and interact with other people should definitely hear this guy speak.

Obviously we two honeymooners were intently focused on nuggets of wisdom Nelson had to offer regarding intimacy and the joy of being married, but recently our class at church has begun studying the same series and I was struck by the insight Solomon and Tommy Nelson provided on the art of conflict.  

If you are truly invested in a relationship with another human being for whom you care a great deal, you will have conflict at some point.  I was extremely blessed with a partner who rarely, rarely lets anger get the better of him and is always understanding and forgiving.  However, conflicts do arise and these rules have been incredibly influential for Michael and I.

Fight fair- This one seems obvious but in the heat of the moment we are all too quick to yell things we know we don't mean and inflict wounds that we cannot uninflict (I know that's not a word). One thing that another couple shared in our class that I'd honestly never thought about was crying. As a girl I cry when I'm happy, sad, upset, angry, depressed, and sometimes just because I haven't cried in a while.  During disagreements this can be really confusing for a guy who only cries in the face of death or intense pain.  It can lead to all kinds of poor decision making and prevent objective, rational conclusions.

Never react- This goes along with fighting fair.  One person can provide an opportunity to get into an argument by issuing a low blow.  It is up to you whether you will react to that person with a low blow of your own, or react to God and choose to love.  Inside and outside of bible study and Sunday school this is the right choice.

Take always and never out of your vocabulary- This is one that I have learned the hard way.  Any one of my friends or family could probably tell you that while I am a strong advocate for moderation in all things, when I get upset, I get upset.  These words fly all too readily out of my mouth with alarming (and embarrassing) thoughtlessness sometimes. It is something I am trying really hard to combat. Of course Michael is quick to point it out, so I've got a lifelong accountability partner (like it or not).

Be willing to change- I like the way Tommy Nelson explains this one.  Of course we're all human and we know we cannot achieve perfection, no matter how hard we try. Needless to say, this is just as unrealistic an expectation to have for your partner as it is for yourself.  When you vow to stick by that person's side til death, though, you have vowed to make yourself perfectable.  This means if it is crucial to the health of your relationship to change a habit, you give it your all. The scarier thought is to refuse to change, opting instead to make one person miserable.

These sound like common sense when you think about it, and I'm sorry if I've bored you with my explanations, but ever since we got engaged I've been on a mission to learn all about this crazy idea God had of tying two sinners together for life, or just sinners providing community for other sinners. I mean, the odds are not really in our favor. It does not come naturally. It fascinates me.

Best,
Emily